When He Calls You “Difficult”: Why You’re Not the Problem
“Difficult.”
It’s the word narcissistic and high-conflict partners love to use when you hold them accountable. Anytime a schedule is enforced, a boundary is held, or basic respect is expected, the label of “difficult” gets thrown in your face.
You, the one holding structure, are suddenly called “uptight,” “high maintenance,” or “impossible.”
It’s the oldest trick in the book: create chaos, then call the steady one “difficult” for reacting to it. And although it’s predictable, it still catches you by surprise and leaves you feeling angry, frustrated, confused, and upset. Survivors of narcissistic abuse know this helplessness all too well.
The Parenting App Circus
Moms are told by their lawyer and family court: “Use the parenting app and don’t get emotional.”
Sounds great in theory. But in reality? Narcissists never play by the rules.
On paper, the rules seem simple: messages get sent through the parenting app, pickup times are confirmed, and children are ready at the agreed upon time.
But if you’re co-parenting (or really, parallel parenting) with a narcissist, you know exactly how they manipulate even a court-mandated app:
Vague responses like “yep.”
The app goes unchecked for days.
They wait until the last possible minute to respond.
Or worse, they bypass the app completely and call the kids directly—dragging them into the middle of adult logistics.
And when you stand firm, insisting they communicate directly in the app? The predictable message comes back:
“Please stop being difficult. I’ll be over.”
It’s infuriating. Not because it’s true, but because it’s the exact gaslighting line that’s been used for years.
The Gaslighting of Schedules
Looking back, the pattern becomes clear: vacations, school mornings, daily routines—it was always the same story.
Everyone else was ready, waiting, bags packed, shoes on. He was the one stalling, delaying, creating mess.
And yet the accusation was always the same:
“Why are you so uptight? You ruin everything. You’re impossible. Stop being so difficult!”
It works because after hearing it enough, anyone starts to wonder: Maybe I am too much. Maybe I’m the problem.
That’s the trap.
The Impact on Moms (and Kids)
Parallel parenting with a narcissistic ex recreates the same chaos outside the marriage:
The app is ignored.
Children are pulled into the middle.
Pickups happen on his timeline, not the schedule.
And the steady parent? She’s left pacing, seething, dysregulated—looking like the “angry one” while he appears calm, cool, and collected.
Children feel the tension. They may assume you’re upset with them. They adapt in their own ways—rushing to keep the peace or dragging their feet to reclaim a sliver of control. None of it is fair, and all of it is destabilizing.
And family court? It usually doesn’t care about the gaslighting, lateness, or manipulation.
The Nonlinear Path of Healing
The truth is, some days this cycle wrecks even the strongest moms.
One weekend ends with tears behind a bathroom door.
Another weekend, you’re strong enough to pull yourself together and create laughter in the kitchen before the kids leave.
All of it is healing. Not perfect. Not linear. Not easy. But proof of change.
Even with clarity, the frustration still comes. Even when the patterns are obvious, the anger still rises. Seeing it doesn’t erase the impact—it just means recovery happens faster.
What Helps in the Moment
Document everything. Even if the other parent ignores the app, put the facts there. “Per the schedule, the children are ready at 12.” Silence is its own record.
Use neutral language. Instead of “you need to,” try: “Please confirm so the children aren’t in the middle.” Or, “For clarity, confirming pickup at 12.”
Protect the kids. Keep explanations simple: “This isn’t about you. This is between parents. Our job is to be ready.”
Ground the nervous system. When rage spikes, step away. Breathe. Remind yourself: “I am not difficult. I am the steady one.”
Keep a separate notes file for court. Track when pickups and drop-offs actually happen so you can show a documented pattern if needed.
Remember: kids see more than you think. Even when you try to protect them, they begin to recognize the chaos for what it is.
Radical Acceptance (The Hardest Part)
There is no justice in a narcissistic relationship.
The courts won’t intervene over every late pickup. The app can’t force compliance. And narcissistic exes will always keep using the word “difficult” to flip the script.
But the truth is clear:
Wanting structure does not make you difficult.
Enforcing agreements does not make you uptight.
Refusing to live in chaos does not make you high maintenance.
It makes you steady. Safe. Protective.
Final Thought
Parallel parenting with a narcissistic ex will never feel fair. It will never feel normal. And it will still leave you livid sometimes.
But every time you document instead of spiral, every time you choose neutrality instead of rage, every time laughter in the kitchen wins out over tears in the bathroom—the cycle breaks a little more.
And that’s how healing works, even when the accusations of “difficult” never stop.
Parallel Parenting with a Narcissist: When the Chaos Doesn’t End After Divorce
You think once you’ve separated, the worst is behind you. The house is yours, the nights are quiet, you begin to feel what you think may be a sense of calm, and finally you can breathe. The energy in the home feels hopeful and you think to yourself: “I think I can really do this.”
Then BAM—it starts again.
Not in your living room this time, but through your kids. Through the parenting app. Through a schedule that somehow only you seem to follow. The schedule you had to pay $5000 to obtain in family court. The schedule they fought you to get and now refuse to follow.
Suddenly, you’re right back in that feeling you thought you escaped: chaos, confusion, and exhaustion. That familiar fight-or-flight response running through your veins that you thought was behind you.
The Games Narcissistic Exes Play
A narcissistic or toxic ex doesn’t need to scream, slam doors, give you the angry silence, or sulk in your home anymore. Instead, they:
Ignore the parenting app until the very last minute.
Call the kids directly, putting them in the middle.
Pretend they “didn’t see it” to buy themselves wiggle room.
Show up whenever they feel like it, with no accountability.
Pretend it’s you who’s “difficult,” while they stay calm on the surface.
Delay or ignore responses to keep you off balance.
It’s maddening. It’s destabilizing. And it’s all too familiar.
For high-conflict personalities (aka narcissists), the parenting app represents accountability. Everything is timestamped, recorded, and visible. Narcissists hate accountability.
For a long time they got away with it by claiming they were “ADHD,” “disorganized,” or “forgetful.” But the truth is, it’s another form of control.
The Impact on Moms
Here’s what happens on your side:
Your body spikes with that same old fight-or-flight you lived with for years.
Your kids see you upset and assume you’re angry with them.
You’re the one left explaining, holding structure, and looking like the “strict” or “angry” parent.
It’s the same cycle in a new costume. And it’s exhausting.
When your narcissistic ex won’t use the app, you’re left holding all the responsibility: clarifying schedules, asking your kids to be the messenger, and bracing yourself for whatever time they decide to show up.
It’s constant chaos that feels all too familiar. And you’re left watching your kids being stuck in the middle, knowing that’s not okay.
You want to scream, you want to call them out, you want someone to see how wrong it all is.
The Radical Truth: There’s No Justice in a Narcissistic Relationship
As much as you want the system to protect you (as it should), there’s no way to drag an ex to court every time they’re late or ignore a message. That’s the brutal reality of parallel parenting.
If they can’t control you directly, they will do it through the kids.
And so the radical acceptance piece is this:
You can’t control their chaos.
You can control how you document it.
You can control how you steady yourself and your kids.
You can stop contorting yourself around their dysfunction.
What You Can Do to Gain Control
1. Practice Radical Acceptance
This is where radical acceptance becomes your lifeline. Not because it’s easy, but because it’s the only way to reclaim your sanity.
Radical acceptance isn’t saying what’s happening is okay—it’s accepting that it’s your reality for right now and refusing to let their dysfunction control you.
2. Document, Document, Document
Put every message in the app, even if they don’t respond. Write:
“Per the schedule, the kids will be ready for pickup at 12.”
Their silence is your evidence.
3. Keep Your Language Neutral
Instead of “you need to…,” try:
“Please confirm here so the boys aren’t in the middle.”
“For clarity, confirming pickup at 12.”
Short. Calm. Legally airtight.
4. Don’t Chase Them Outside the App
If they call the kids, you still respond in the app:
“Please confirm here.”
You’re building a clear record of who is cooperative and who is not.
5. Anchor Yourself When the Anger Spikes
Because it will. You’re not wrong for feeling livid because it’s unjust. But you can steady yourself by repeating:
“I’ve done my part. His chaos is not my chaos. I will not let him steal another hour of my peace.”
When the Kids See You Upset
The last thing you want is for your kids to feel more confused or gaslighted. Don’t say “I’m fine” when you’re clearly not. It’s better to name and explain your feelings than to deny them.
You can say:
“This isn’t about you sweetie, it’s between daddy and I because we’re the parents.”
“If you want to sleep in, let me know ahead of time so I can discuss it with Daddy.”
“I’m sorry I’m upset. I’m not upset with you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“The rules are in place for a reason.”
Final Thought
Parallel parenting with a narcissistic ex is the most unfair game you’ll ever play. They get to float in and out, making a mess, while you’re the one cleaning up the emotional aftermath.
But here’s what’s also true: every time you document instead of spiral, every time you choose neutrality instead of rage, every time you tell yourself I’m the steady one, you’re breaking the cycle a little more.
And that’s how you reclaim peace, even when the chaos keeps knocking at your door.