Recovering from Narcissistic Burnout: Coparenting, Grief, and the Quiet Moments of Hope
Healing from a narcissistic relationship isn’t a quick fix. It’s a long, sometimes painfully slow process, especially for high-achieving moms who can’t go completely “no contact” because they’re coparenting with a narcissist. High achieving women are used to getting things done, but recovery from a toxic marriage takes time and patience. Healing isn’t one big epiphany, it’s a thousand small shifts that quietly add up to a new life. There is ongoing grief, confusion, and navigating post-seperation abuse.
The Burnout Is Real and Deeper Than You Think
Narcissistic abuse doesn’t just hurt emotionally, it literally grinds down a woman’s nervous system, sense of safety, and belief in herself. Add the constant ongoing stress of negotiation, which is a given when you are attempting to parallel parenting with a toxic ex. The word “burnout” sometimes does not give the emotional experience justice. Even the most capable moms can find themselves crying over a basket of unfolded laundry. That exhaustion isn’t weakness. It’s trauma plus overwork, compounded by exposure to a high-conflict ex and a legal system that often doesn’t seem to care and rarely understands what it is like to navigate a narcissist.
Grief Doesn’t Follow a Timeline
Divorce papers or custody orders don’t magically end the grief. There are waves of emotions: anger, fear, relief, numbness, anxiety, and sadness. Healing means facing grief again and again, sometimes on a random Tuesday in the grocery store when a familiar song plays, at a baseball game when you spot your ex smiling for an audience, or when they violate the custody pick-up drop off schedule over and over again. Pain can resurface when you least expect it, but each time it does, you’re a little stronger and a little less shattered. These are the little moments you need to hold on to. This is what gives you hope to keep moving forward to a new life you are creating for you and your children.
Shifts Happen Quietly
One day, you’ll notice something small: you don’t flinch when your phone buzzes. You don’t spiral when plans change. You watch your child run toward you, and instead of scanning for what your ex is doing, you feel pure joy. You realize you forgot to check the parenting app that used to leave you walking on eggshells. That ordinary but monumental moment signals that healing is happening beneath the surface.
Parallel Parenting Is a Survival Strategy: Not a Failure
For women who can’t cut ties completely due to having children, parallel parenting is a lifeline. It means protecting your peace by minimizing contact and refusing to engage in chaos. It’s not “giving up” on healthy co-parenting, it’s choosing sanity over drama. Setting firm boundaries and documenting interactions isn’t petty. It’s self-preservation. And if you keep at it, it will eventually pay off. Narcissists thrive on chaos. When they realize your boundaries are immovable, they’ll seek supply elsewhere. No one wants to parallel parent as we know healthy coparenting is what is best for a child. However, if you are divorcing a narcissist, there will never be any “co” anything and your mental health is fragile and needs to be protected at all costs. Remember: you didn’t cause this and you are doing your very best to pick up the messy pieces while parenting your children.
Hope Is the Quiet Hero
Burnout recovery after narcissistic abuse isn’t about erasing fear, it’s about no longer allowing fear to control you. Setbacks will happen. But each small shift is proof you’re rebuilding a life that belongs to you and this is something your ex can never take away. Hope is what will keep you going on your darkest days and hold close to your heart that one day you will be ok, perhaps even happy. If you survived a narcissistic relationship and were able to get out, you can survive anything.
A Message to Every Burned Out Mom
If you’re reading this while exhausted, resentful, or doubting yourself: please don’t give up! Healing doesn’t happen in one Hollywood-style transformation. It happens in coffee fueled mornings, late-night tears, therapy sessions, a talk with a friend who truly gets it, and small acts of defiance, like choosing joy even when fear whispers you shouldn’t. Even when you’re terrified to let happiness in. Your kids don’t need a perfect mom, they need the version of you who keeps showing up, broken but determined, and slowly becoming whole again.
And when you least expect it, a little piece of joy will present itself. Embrace those moments as this is what healing from narcissistic burnout looks like in real time.
Parallel Parenting with a Narcissist: When the Chaos Doesn’t End After Divorce
You think once you’ve separated, the worst is behind you. The house is yours, the nights are quiet, you begin to feel what you think may be a sense of calm, and finally you can breathe. The energy in the home feels hopeful and you think to yourself: “I think I can really do this.”
Then BAM—it starts again.
Not in your living room this time, but through your kids. Through the parenting app. Through a schedule that somehow only you seem to follow. The schedule you had to pay $5000 to obtain in family court. The schedule they fought you to get and now refuse to follow.
Suddenly, you’re right back in that feeling you thought you escaped: chaos, confusion, and exhaustion. That familiar fight-or-flight response running through your veins that you thought was behind you.
The Games Narcissistic Exes Play
A narcissistic or toxic ex doesn’t need to scream, slam doors, give you the angry silence, or sulk in your home anymore. Instead, they:
Ignore the parenting app until the very last minute.
Call the kids directly, putting them in the middle.
Pretend they “didn’t see it” to buy themselves wiggle room.
Show up whenever they feel like it, with no accountability.
Pretend it’s you who’s “difficult,” while they stay calm on the surface.
Delay or ignore responses to keep you off balance.
It’s maddening. It’s destabilizing. And it’s all too familiar.
For high-conflict personalities (aka narcissists), the parenting app represents accountability. Everything is timestamped, recorded, and visible. Narcissists hate accountability.
For a long time they got away with it by claiming they were “ADHD,” “disorganized,” or “forgetful.” But the truth is, it’s another form of control.
The Impact on Moms
Here’s what happens on your side:
Your body spikes with that same old fight-or-flight you lived with for years.
Your kids see you upset and assume you’re angry with them.
You’re the one left explaining, holding structure, and looking like the “strict” or “angry” parent.
It’s the same cycle in a new costume. And it’s exhausting.
When your narcissistic ex won’t use the app, you’re left holding all the responsibility: clarifying schedules, asking your kids to be the messenger, and bracing yourself for whatever time they decide to show up.
It’s constant chaos that feels all too familiar. And you’re left watching your kids being stuck in the middle, knowing that’s not okay.
You want to scream, you want to call them out, you want someone to see how wrong it all is.
The Radical Truth: There’s No Justice in a Narcissistic Relationship
As much as you want the system to protect you (as it should), there’s no way to drag an ex to court every time they’re late or ignore a message. That’s the brutal reality of parallel parenting.
If they can’t control you directly, they will do it through the kids.
And so the radical acceptance piece is this:
You can’t control their chaos.
You can control how you document it.
You can control how you steady yourself and your kids.
You can stop contorting yourself around their dysfunction.
What You Can Do to Gain Control
1. Practice Radical Acceptance
This is where radical acceptance becomes your lifeline. Not because it’s easy, but because it’s the only way to reclaim your sanity.
Radical acceptance isn’t saying what’s happening is okay—it’s accepting that it’s your reality for right now and refusing to let their dysfunction control you.
2. Document, Document, Document
Put every message in the app, even if they don’t respond. Write:
“Per the schedule, the kids will be ready for pickup at 12.”
Their silence is your evidence.
3. Keep Your Language Neutral
Instead of “you need to…,” try:
“Please confirm here so the boys aren’t in the middle.”
“For clarity, confirming pickup at 12.”
Short. Calm. Legally airtight.
4. Don’t Chase Them Outside the App
If they call the kids, you still respond in the app:
“Please confirm here.”
You’re building a clear record of who is cooperative and who is not.
5. Anchor Yourself When the Anger Spikes
Because it will. You’re not wrong for feeling livid because it’s unjust. But you can steady yourself by repeating:
“I’ve done my part. His chaos is not my chaos. I will not let him steal another hour of my peace.”
When the Kids See You Upset
The last thing you want is for your kids to feel more confused or gaslighted. Don’t say “I’m fine” when you’re clearly not. It’s better to name and explain your feelings than to deny them.
You can say:
“This isn’t about you sweetie, it’s between daddy and I because we’re the parents.”
“If you want to sleep in, let me know ahead of time so I can discuss it with Daddy.”
“I’m sorry I’m upset. I’m not upset with you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“The rules are in place for a reason.”
Final Thought
Parallel parenting with a narcissistic ex is the most unfair game you’ll ever play. They get to float in and out, making a mess, while you’re the one cleaning up the emotional aftermath.
But here’s what’s also true: every time you document instead of spiral, every time you choose neutrality instead of rage, every time you tell yourself I’m the steady one, you’re breaking the cycle a little more.
And that’s how you reclaim peace, even when the chaos keeps knocking at your door.