Is It Narcissism, Addiction, or Both? Untangling the Confusion
So many women lie awake at night asking themselves the same haunting question: Is it narcissism, addiction, or both?
The confusion is real. When you’re living in a home filled with chaos, blame, and unpredictability, it’s almost impossible to untangle whether you’re dealing with alcoholism, narcissistic abuse, or a painful mix of both.
You’re living in a whirlwind of broken promises, gaslighting, and the constant feeling that you’re walking on eggshells in your own home. Some days it looks like addiction. Other days it feels like something deeper..colder, more intentional. And you’re left wondering: Is it the drinking? Is it me? Or is this actually narcissism?
Why It Feels So Confusing
Addiction and narcissism can look a lot alike from the outside. Both leave you doubting yourself, questioning your memory, and second-guessing your every move. Both pull you into the same painful cycle:
They promise to change.
They charm, apologize, and swear it’ll be different.
Then the rug gets pulled out again.
And through it all, there’s gaslighting.
With addiction, gaslighting can sound like:
“I wasn’t that drunk, you’re exaggerating.”
“You must be remembering it wrong.”
With narcissism, gaslighting usually cuts deeper:
“That never happened, you’re crazy.”
Public kindness, private cruelty: then telling you it’s all in your head.
Using your struggles as proof that you’re unstable.
Why This Distinction Matters
This isn’t just about labels, it’s about what you can realistically expect.
With addiction, there is a path forward. Once someone gets real help and chooses recovery, most truly want to get better. Sobriety doesn’t erase every problem, but it often softens the chaos. With time, effort, and support, you can see steady progress. Apologies begin to match actions. Trust starts to slowly rebuild.
With narcissism, the story is very different. Sobriety doesn’t fix entitlement. It doesn’t create empathy. It doesn’t change a pattern of gaslighting, control, or contempt. This is where the old recovery phrase “dry drunk” comes in.
A dry drunk is someone who puts down the bottle but never does the deeper healing work. The drinking stops, but the emotional abuse, the cruelty, and the manipulation stay. Narcissistic people often look like a permanent version of this. They may stop drinking, but the blame, the rage, the superiority, the victimhood, the “look how great I am”, never go away. If anything, sobriety can sometimes make these traits more noticeable.
This difference matters because it tells you whether change is likely:
Addiction + recovery = real hope (if the person is willing).
Narcissism = highly unlikely to change, because it’s not about a substance, it’s a pattern and personality style with that has antagonism at it’s core.
That’s why it’s so dangerous to believe it’s “just addiction.” You can wait forever for the transformation that will never come. And while you wait, you lose yourself.
Signs It’s Addiction
When addiction is the driver, the worst moments usually line up with substance use: during drinking, during withdrawal, or in the fallout afterward.
With real recovery, you’ll often see shifts: less chaos, more accountability, apologies that line up with changed behavior. There’s progress. Not perfection, but movement.
Signs It’s Narcissism
When narcissism is in play, the cruelty isn’t tied to intoxication, it’s there all the time. Sobriety doesn’t fix it.
You may notice:
The contempt and belittling show up even when sober.
Apologies feel like performances, not repair.
Boundaries are punished, not respected.
Their image matters more than your reality.
That’s not the alcohol talking. That’s a pattern.
When It’s Both
Sometimes it’s not either/or. It’s both. Addiction fuels the chaos. Narcissism keeps you trapped in the cycle.
Even if the drinking stops, the manipulation, blame, and gaslighting don’t. That’s why it feels impossible to catch your breath.
Why Naming It Matters
When you believe it’s just addiction, you cling to the hope that sobriety will fix everything. But if narcissism is also part of the picture, that transformation never comes.
That’s why you may have left an Al-Anon meetings feeling like something was missing or perhaps confused. You’re told to “detach from the disease,” but deep down, you know there’s more.
The Bottom Line
Addiction may explain the drinking.
Narcissism explains the cruelty.
Knowing the difference matters because it changes what you can expect and it changes how you heal.
If you’re healing from addiction in your family, recovery programs and treatment can bring real progress. There’s hope when someone truly wants to get better.
If you’re healing from narcissism, the work looks very different. It’s about reclaiming your reality after years of gaslighting, building boundaries, and protecting your energy. Sobriety won’t magically make that possible but your healing comes from separating yourself from the cycle, not waiting for their personality to change.
This only scratches the surface on this topic. The overlap between addiction and narcissism is complex and untangling it takes time, clarity, and support. But here’s what I want you to hold onto:
-You don’t need the perfect label to validate what you’re going through, but understanding the dynamics helps.
-Your healing begins the moment you stop waiting for them to change.
-The path forward is about your healing, not their excuses.
You’re not broken. You’re not crazy. You’re not alone.
With Love and Integrity,
Dr. Cynthia