Parallel Parenting with a Narcissist: When the Chaos Doesn’t End After Divorce

Sep 6

Written By Dr. Cynthia Edwards-Hawver, Psy.D.

You think once you’ve separated, the worst is behind you. The house is yours, the nights are quiet, you begin to feel what you think may be a sense of calm, and finally you can breathe. The energy in the home feels hopeful and you think to yourself: “I think I can really do this.”

Then BAM—it starts again.

Not in your living room this time, but through your kids. Through the parenting app. Through a schedule that somehow only you seem to follow. The schedule you had to pay $5000 to obtain in family court. The schedule they fought you to get and now refuse to follow.

Suddenly, you’re right back in that feeling you thought you escaped: chaos, confusion, and exhaustion. That familiar fight-or-flight response running through your veins that you thought was behind you.

The Games Narcissistic Exes Play

A narcissistic or toxic ex doesn’t need to scream, slam doors, give you the angry silence, or sulk in your home anymore. Instead, they:

Ignore the parenting app until the very last minute.
Call the kids directly, putting them in the middle.
Pretend they “didn’t see it” to buy themselves wiggle room.
Show up whenever they feel like it, with no accountability.
Pretend it’s you who’s “difficult,” while they stay calm on the surface.
Delay or ignore responses to keep you off balance.

It’s maddening. It’s destabilizing. And it’s all too familiar.

For high-conflict personalities (aka narcissists), the parenting app represents accountability. Everything is timestamped, recorded, and visible. Narcissists hate accountability.

For a long time they got away with it by claiming they were “ADHD,” “disorganized,” or “forgetful.” But the truth is, it’s another form of control.

The Impact on Moms

Here’s what happens on your side:

Your body spikes with that same old fight-or-flight you lived with for years.
Your kids see you upset and assume you’re angry with them.
You’re the one left explaining, holding structure, and looking like the “strict” or “angry” parent.

It’s the same cycle in a new costume. And it’s exhausting.

When your narcissistic ex won’t use the app, you’re left holding all the responsibility: clarifying schedules, asking your kids to be the messenger, and bracing yourself for whatever time they decide to show up.

It’s constant chaos that feels all too familiar. And you’re left watching your kids being stuck in the middle, knowing that’s not okay.

You want to scream, you want to call them out, you want someone to see how wrong it all is.

The Radical Truth: There’s No Justice in a Narcissistic Relationship

As much as you want the system to protect you (as it should), there’s no way to drag an ex to court every time they’re late or ignore a message. That’s the brutal reality of parallel parenting.

If they can’t control you directly, they will do it through the kids.

And so the radical acceptance piece is this:

You can’t control their chaos.
You can control how you document it.
You can control how you steady yourself and your kids.
You can stop contorting yourself around their dysfunction.

What You Can Do to Gain Control

1. Practice Radical Acceptance

This is where radical acceptance becomes your lifeline. Not because it’s easy, but because it’s the only way to reclaim your sanity.

Radical acceptance isn’t saying what’s happening is okay—it’s accepting that it’s your reality for right now and refusing to let their dysfunction control you.

2. Document, Document, Document

Put every message in the app, even if they don’t respond. Write:

“Per the schedule, the kids will be ready for pickup at 12.”

Their silence is your evidence.

3. Keep Your Language Neutral

Instead of “you need to…,” try:

“Please confirm here so the boys aren’t in the middle.”
“For clarity, confirming pickup at 12.”

Short. Calm. Legally airtight.

4. Don’t Chase Them Outside the App

If they call the kids, you still respond in the app:

“Please confirm here.”

You’re building a clear record of who is cooperative and who is not.

5. Anchor Yourself When the Anger Spikes

Because it will. You’re not wrong for feeling livid because it’s unjust. But you can steady yourself by repeating:

“I’ve done my part. His chaos is not my chaos. I will not let him steal another hour of my peace.”

When the Kids See You Upset

The last thing you want is for your kids to feel more confused or gaslighted. Don’t say “I’m fine” when you’re clearly not. It’s better to name and explain your feelings than to deny them.

You can say:

“This isn’t about you sweetie, it’s between daddy and I because we’re the parents.”
“If you want to sleep in, let me know ahead of time so I can discuss it with Daddy.”
“I’m sorry I’m upset. I’m not upset with you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“The rules are in place for a reason.”

Final Thought

Parallel parenting with a narcissistic ex is the most unfair game you’ll ever play. They get to float in and out, making a mess, while you’re the one cleaning up the emotional aftermath.

But here’s what’s also true: every time you document instead of spiral, every time you choose neutrality instead of rage, every time you tell yourself I’m the steady one, you’re breaking the cycle a little more.

And that’s how you reclaim peace, even when the chaos keeps knocking at your door.

parallel parenting with a narcissistco-parenting after divorcecoparentingemotional abusegaslightingnarcissistic abusefamily courthigh conflict divorce

Dr. Cynthia Edwards-Hawver, Psy.D.

Dr. Cynthia Edwards-Hawver, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 25 years of experience helping high-achieving women heal from narcissistic abuse, trauma bonding, antagonistic relationships, burnout, divorce, and the overwhelming reality of parenting while recovering from relational trauma. She specializes in working with midlife mothers who feel emotionally exhausted, confused, and destabilized while trying to protect their children and rebuild their lives after toxic relationships.

Dr. Edwards-Hawver earned her B.S. with distinction from Cornell University, completed her doctoral training at Wright State University, and her APA-accredited internship at Penn State University. She is licensed in Pennsylvania and practices across state lines through PSYPACT, providing telehealth services to women navigating complex divorces, post-separation abuse, and parallel parenting with narcissistic or antagonistic partners.

Her clinical focus includes trauma bonding, gaslighting, nervous system exhaustion, narcissistic burnout, post-separation abuse, and the impossible position mothers face when trying to heal while co-parenting or parallel parenting with a toxic ex. She works with intelligent, capable women who can excel professionally yet feel trapped, doubting themselves, and unable to understand why leaving feels so impossible.

What sets Dr. Cynthia’s work apart is her refusal to offer oversimplified advice. She does not minimize how hard this is. She understands that burnout—not weakness—keeps women stuck, that trauma bonding alters decision-making, and that traditional relationship advice does not apply when narcissism and emotional abuse are present.

She is the host of The Mama Shrink Podcast, where she discusses parenting, mental health, physical health, and the realities of healing while raising children in the midst of high-conflict relationships. She is currently writing her first book on healing from narcissistic burnout and rebuilding life at midlife while parenting through it.

Beyond her clinical practice, Dr. Cynthia is building an educational platform that includes a YouTube channel, online courses, a healing membership community, and resources for mothers navigating narcissistic relationships, divorce, and generational trauma while trying to create safety for their children and themselves.

Her work is grounded in decades of clinical experience, rigorous training, and lived understanding of what it takes to recover from relational trauma while embracing her new life as a single mom.

https://www.drcynthiahawver.com