When He Calls You “Difficult”: Why You’re Not the Problem
“Difficult.”
It’s the word narcissistic and high-conflict partners love to use when you hold them accountable. Anytime a schedule is enforced, a boundary is held, or basic respect is expected, the label of “difficult” gets thrown in your face.
You, the one holding structure, are suddenly called “uptight,” “high maintenance,” or “impossible.”
It’s the oldest trick in the book: create chaos, then call the steady one “difficult” for reacting to it. And although it’s predictable, it still catches you by surprise and leaves you feeling angry, frustrated, confused, and upset. Survivors of narcissistic abuse know this helplessness all too well.
The Parenting App Circus
Moms are told by their lawyer and family court: “Use the parenting app and don’t get emotional.”
Sounds great in theory. But in reality? Narcissists never play by the rules.
On paper, the rules seem simple: messages get sent through the parenting app, pickup times are confirmed, and children are ready at the agreed upon time.
But if you’re co-parenting (or really, parallel parenting) with a narcissist, you know exactly how they manipulate even a court-mandated app:
Vague responses like “yep.”
The app goes unchecked for days.
They wait until the last possible minute to respond.
Or worse, they bypass the app completely and call the kids directly—dragging them into the middle of adult logistics.
And when you stand firm, insisting they communicate directly in the app? The predictable message comes back:
“Please stop being difficult. I’ll be over.”
It’s infuriating. Not because it’s true, but because it’s the exact gaslighting line that’s been used for years.
The Gaslighting of Schedules
Looking back, the pattern becomes clear: vacations, school mornings, daily routines—it was always the same story.
Everyone else was ready, waiting, bags packed, shoes on. He was the one stalling, delaying, creating mess.
And yet the accusation was always the same:
“Why are you so uptight? You ruin everything. You’re impossible. Stop being so difficult!”
It works because after hearing it enough, anyone starts to wonder: Maybe I am too much. Maybe I’m the problem.
That’s the trap.
The Impact on Moms (and Kids)
Parallel parenting with a narcissistic ex recreates the same chaos outside the marriage:
The app is ignored.
Children are pulled into the middle.
Pickups happen on his timeline, not the schedule.
And the steady parent? She’s left pacing, seething, dysregulated—looking like the “angry one” while he appears calm, cool, and collected.
Children feel the tension. They may assume you’re upset with them. They adapt in their own ways—rushing to keep the peace or dragging their feet to reclaim a sliver of control. None of it is fair, and all of it is destabilizing.
And family court? It usually doesn’t care about the gaslighting, lateness, or manipulation.
The Nonlinear Path of Healing
The truth is, some days this cycle wrecks even the strongest moms.
One weekend ends with tears behind a bathroom door.
Another weekend, you’re strong enough to pull yourself together and create laughter in the kitchen before the kids leave.
All of it is healing. Not perfect. Not linear. Not easy. But proof of change.
Even with clarity, the frustration still comes. Even when the patterns are obvious, the anger still rises. Seeing it doesn’t erase the impact—it just means recovery happens faster.
What Helps in the Moment
Document everything. Even if the other parent ignores the app, put the facts there. “Per the schedule, the children are ready at 12.” Silence is its own record.
Use neutral language. Instead of “you need to,” try: “Please confirm so the children aren’t in the middle.” Or, “For clarity, confirming pickup at 12.”
Protect the kids. Keep explanations simple: “This isn’t about you. This is between parents. Our job is to be ready.”
Ground the nervous system. When rage spikes, step away. Breathe. Remind yourself: “I am not difficult. I am the steady one.”
Keep a separate notes file for court. Track when pickups and drop-offs actually happen so you can show a documented pattern if needed.
Remember: kids see more than you think. Even when you try to protect them, they begin to recognize the chaos for what it is.
Radical Acceptance (The Hardest Part)
There is no justice in a narcissistic relationship.
The courts won’t intervene over every late pickup. The app can’t force compliance. And narcissistic exes will always keep using the word “difficult” to flip the script.
But the truth is clear:
Wanting structure does not make you difficult.
Enforcing agreements does not make you uptight.
Refusing to live in chaos does not make you high maintenance.
It makes you steady. Safe. Protective.
Final Thought
Parallel parenting with a narcissistic ex will never feel fair. It will never feel normal. And it will still leave you livid sometimes.
But every time you document instead of spiral, every time you choose neutrality instead of rage, every time laughter in the kitchen wins out over tears in the bathroom—the cycle breaks a little more.
And that’s how healing works, even when the accusations of “difficult” never stop.