Why I Don't Always Use the Word "Narcissist" (And Why That's Okay)

If you're reading this, you might be in one of two camps.

Camp 1: You've finally found the word that explains everything. Narcissist. It's like someone turned on the lights after years in the dark. The gaslighting, the manipulation, the feeling crazy, it all makes sense now. The label gives you clarity, validation, and permission to trust yourself again.

Camp 2: You hate the word. It feels too harsh, too final, too damning. Maybe you're not ready to accept what it means. Maybe you still love him. Maybe you're terrified that if you call it narcissism, you'll have to accept he'll never change. Or maybe the word just doesn't feel right, even though you know something is deeply wrong.

Here's what I want you to know: Both reactions are valid. And you can get help either way.

As a psychologist who specializes in narcissistic abuse and burnout, and as someone who lived through it myself, I’'ve learned that the label matters less than the healing.

Let me explain.

The Power (and Problem) of Labels

The term "narcissist" and “narcissism” has exploded in the past few years. Social media is full of content about narcissistic abuse (some accurate and some not), and women are finally getting language for experiences that were previously invisible. When someone reaches out to me and says, “I think I’m married to a narcissist”, I am still in awe that women are finally seeing it and speaking up.

This is largely good.

For decades, emotional abuse was minimized, dismissed, or blamed on the victim. Women were told they were "too sensitive," "overreacting," “too difficult”, or "making things up." The rise of awareness around narcissistic abuse has given countless women permission to name their reality and seek help.

But there's also a problem.

The word "narcissist" is now being used so broadly that it's starting to lose meaning. This makes me very upset because living through this and surviving this is utter hell. Every difficult person gets labeled a narcissist. Every bad breakup becomes "narcissistic abuse." And some people (often those who most need help) resist the term entirely because it feels too extreme or too permanent.

Why Some People Resist the Label (And Why That's Okay)

In my practice, I work with women at all stages of awareness. Some come in knowing exactly what they're dealing with. Others are just starting to question if something is wrong.

Here are the most common reasons women resist calling it narcissism:

1. "If I call him a narcissist, I have to accept he won't change."

This is the big one.

As long as you avoid the label, you can hold onto hope. Maybe it's just stress. Maybe it's the alcohol. Maybe if you loved him better, communicated clearer, or gave him one more chance, things would improve.

But once you accept it's narcissism, a personality pattern, not a phase—you have to face a terrifying truth: This is who he is. And he's not going to change.

For some women, this realization is liberating. For others, it's devastating. Especially if you're married, have children together, have been married for years, and/or have built a life around the belief that things will get better.

It's okay to not be ready for that truth yet.

2. "I still love him. Calling him a narcissist feels too mean."

Love doesn't disappear just because someone hurts you. You can recognize abusive patterns and still have deep feelings for the person. Many women do still love their partners and if you are dealing with a trauma bond, leaving can feel like cutting off a limb.

Calling someone a narcissist can feel like you're vilifying them, giving up on them, or being cruel. It can feel disloyal, especially if you've been conditioned to prioritize his feelings over your own reality.

But here's the truth: You can acknowledge harmful behavior without hating the person.

You're not labeling him to be mean. You're trying to understand what you're experiencing so you can protect yourself and heal.

3. "I'm not sure if it's narcissism or something else."

Maybe it's alcoholism. Maybe it's trauma from his childhood. Maybe it's both narcissism and addiction. Maybe he's just selfish and immature…

The confusion is real and it's by design.

Narcissistic behaviors often coexists with other issues: substance abuse, ADHD, and other untreated mental health conditions. Trying to untangle what's what can feel impossible, especially when you're living in the chaos.

And honestly? The label might not matter as much as you think.

4. "If I'm wrong, I'll feel terrible for thinking this about him."

Women who've been gaslit for years often struggle to trust their own perceptions. You've been told you're "too sensitive," "dramatic," or "making things up" so many times that you doubt everything. I have women I work with begging me to give them a psychological evaluation to make sure that they are not crazy. Many women I work with have to be told over and over that they are not the one with narcissism.

What if you're wrong? What if he's not a narcissist and you're just being unfair?

This fear keeps many women stuck. They'd rather suffer in silence than risk being "the bad guy" for naming what's happening.

But here's what I tell my clients: Your feelings are data. If you feel consistently confused, exhausted, manipulated, and small in this relationship, something is wrong and that is what matters. The person who says they love you should not leave you feeling this way.

The Truth About Narcissistic Personality Disorder vs. Narcissism as a Personality Style

Here's something most people don't understand:

You don't need a formal diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) to be in an abusive, narcissistic relationship. And what I am referring to is a style of personality not NPD.

NPD is a clinical diagnosis with specific criteria. It takes many therapy sessions and diagnostic testing with a skilled clinician to diagnosis NPD. Most people displaying narcissistic behaviors will never be formally diagnosed. They drop out of therapy before a therapist can even get close. Often times they will never even go to therapy, they won't admit there's a problem, and they certainly won't sit for a psychological evaluation.

But narcissistic behaviors—gaslighting, manipulation, lack of empathy, entitlement, victimhood, blame-shifting are real, harmful, and abusive, regardless of whether there's an official diagnosis.

So when I work with clients, I care less about whether their partner "is a narcissist" and more about:

• Are you being gaslit?

• Are you feeling manipulated?

• Are you walking on eggshells?

• Do you feel crazy, exhausted, and disconnected from yourself?

• Is your sense of reality constantly being questioned?

• Are you doing all the emotional labor while he does none?

• Does he promise he will change and things will get better, only to happen again?

If the answer is yes, the label is secondary to the harm being done.

Is It Alcoholism, Narcissism, or Both?

This is one of the most common questions I hear: "Is it the drinking or is it him?"

Many women come to therapy—or Al-Anon, or other support groups—believing their partner's behavior is entirely caused by addiction. And addiction absolutely changes behavior, creates chaos, and causes harm.

But here's what I've learned, both professionally and personally:

Sometimes the substance abuse is masking something deeper.

When the drinking stops (or slows), and the gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional abuse continue, that's when you realize: It wasn't just the alcohol.

Because underneath the addiction is a personality pattern that has nothing to do with alcohol. I’ve worked with many alcoholics over the years and once sober, they are wonderful, humble, compassionate people. They feel remorse for what they did and have no problem admitting their faults. But a narcissist who is also an alcoholic, you won’t find this. The substance abuse is a symptom, sometimes a convenient excuse, for behavior that would have been there either way.

If you're asking, "Is it alcoholism or narcissism?" The answer might be both. And that makes everything even more complicated.

You Don't Need the Label to Get Help

Here's what matters more than the word "narcissist":

Can you name what you're experiencing?

You don't have to call it narcissistic abuse. You can call it:

• A toxic relationship

• Emotional abuse

• Gaslighting

• Manipulation

• A relationship that's draining you

The point isn't the label. The point is recognizing: This is harming me and I need support.

When the Label DOES Help

That said, for many women, the word "narcissist" is life-changing.

It helps because:

✅ It explains the patterns. Suddenly, years of confusing behavior make sense. The cycle of idealization and devaluation. The inability to take accountability. The way he twists your words and makes you doubt yourself. It wasn't random, it was a pattern.

✅ It validates your reality. You're not crazy. You're not too sensitive. You're not imagining it. What you experienced has a name, and other people have lived through it too.

✅ It gives you permission to protect yourself. Once you understand that this is a personality pattern, not a rough patch, not stress, not something you can fix, you can stop trying to change him and start focusing on your own safety and healing.

✅ It helps you set boundaries. Understanding narcissistic behavior helps you anticipate manipulation, avoid getting pulled back in, and implement strategies like parallel parenting or gray rock that actually work.

If the label helps you, use it. If it doesn't, that's okay too.

What I Tell My Clients

When women come to me unsure if their partner "is a narcissist," I don't rush to label.

Instead, I ask:

• How do you feel in this relationship?

• Do you feel seen, valued, and safe?

• Can you trust what he says, or do you constantly feel confused?

• Are you allowed to have feelings, needs, and boundaries or are those always turned back on you?

• Do you feel like you're losing yourself?

Your answers to those questions matter more than what you call it.

You Can Heal Whether You Use the Label or Not

Whether you call it narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, a toxic relationship, or "something that just doesn't feel right", you deserve support.

You don't need permission to seek therapy. You don't need a diagnosis to set boundaries. You don't need to prove it's "bad enough" to deserve help.

If you're exhausted, confused, and wondering if your relationship is the source of your burnout, that's enough.

You Get To Decide

So, Do You Need to Call It Narcissism?

Only if it helps you.

If the label gives you clarity, validation, and a path forward, use it.

If the label feels wrong, too harsh, or too final, you can still get help without it.

What matters is this:

You recognize something is wrong.

You stop blaming yourself.

You reach out for support.

You start prioritizing your own wellbeing.

You give yourself permission to heal.

The word "narcissist" is a label. What you do with the awareness is what changes your life.

—Dr. Cynthia